The Sucking Sound of Survival Gear Shopping

Photo by By BWikipedianer0001 ~ Wikimedia Commons

Photo: BWikipedianer0001 ~ Wikimedia Commons

Or How My Brother Is a Bag Ho’…
by Jenny Hansen

Y’all met my brother a few month’s back in 10 Creative Ways To Express Your “Inner F-Bomb.” He’s just a bundle of personality.

A business broker by day, he’s also an alumnus of the Missouri National Guard’s engineering batallion and teaches classes like Sniper Training and Tactics.

In other words, he’s a 6’7″ trained badass who likes guns and gadgets. He’s my go-to guy for survivally things, so I called him about a Maxpedition bag my hubby was thinking of buying.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey! My dude is all excited about a Maxpedition bag. Do you have one?

Bro: *snort* I HAD one. I didn’t like it and took it back.

Me: Fine. What did you get instead?

Bro: Sis, let me explain something to you…I am a Bag Whore. I’ve got Rifle, Deer and Bow Hunting bags. I’ve got a “world’s gonna end” bag. I’ve got a workout bag and a kid’s sport’s bag.

I opened my mouth to speak but he wasn’t done yet.

Bro: And these aren’t like crappy little nylon bags, these are NICE bags. If my wife knew how much I spent on bags, she’d kick my butt. The other problem I have is that if I need a bag and can’t find it, I go buy a new bag and re-stock it. I get twitchy if I don’t know where my stuff is.

Me: My husband knows your pain. I’m constantly buying stuff to replace the things I can’t find. It’s a good thing you earn a nice living.

Bro: Yeah it is. See, in the Army, one is none and two is one, so three is always better. Or I buy four and give one to a good friend. Whatever you want is going to break when you need it – that’s one of the first rules they teach you in the military.

Me: This is why Dad is such a hoarder?

Bro: No, he really is a hoarder because he doesn’t keep his stuff organized. I like to be prepared. For example, if you need a firestarter, I’m your guy. I’ve got at least four firestarters on my person right now.

Me: What is the MATTER with you? Why do you need to be ready to start so many fires?

Bro: (in a very patient tone) If the $hit hits the fan and I need a fire, I’ve got to be prepared for my first couple firestarters not to work.

Me: I’m learning a lot about you. Is there anything else you’re out there buying besides guns and bags and fire-starting paraphernalia?

Bro: No, I really try to restrain myself. I can’t keep buying bags. Like, for example, I can’t go SCUBA diving.

Me: What?! Why not? (I’m a diver.)

Bro: I look at all that shiny stuff on the wall and see five grand go POOF out of my wallet. That bouyancy thing? I’d want to go down with two of them.

Me: That’s your bouyancy control device – it’s called a BCD.

Bro: Whatever. I’d want more than one. Remember, one is none. And the tanks? If I could go down with two tanks, I’d feel a whole lot better. One tank would scare the bejeezus out of me.

Me: You can go down with two tanks. People do it all the time.

Bro: If two’s normal, I’d want to strap on a third one if I could figure out a way. NO SCUBA DIVING!

Me: *giggling* What does your wife think about all this?

Bro: We have a deal. I don’t say anything about how many candles she buys and she doesn’t get on my case about my disaster prep.

Me: How many candles are we talking about?

Bro: Sis, I have a tall dresser in my house full of candles. And heaven help me if I light a candle that I don’t plan to keep burning for at least a few hours, because then the wick won’t burn right.

Me: Dude, you KNOW about how candle wicks burn? (Being a little sister, I decided to really test his knowledge.) Do you know how to hug your candles??

Bro: I am the EXPERT candle hugger.


A few postscripts to this illuminating conversation:

Wishing you a disaster-free week full of fire…

~ Jenny


About Jenny Hansen

By day, Jenny provides training and social media marketing for an accounting firm. By night she writes humor, memoir, women’s fiction and short stories. After 15 years as a corporate software trainer, she’s delighted to sit down while she works.

When she’s not at her personal blog, More Cowbell, Jenny can be found on Twitter at JennyHansenCA or at Writers In The Storm. Jenny also writes the Risky Baby Business posts at More Cowbell, a series that focuses on babies, new parents and high-risk pregnancy.

© 2013 Jenny Hansen. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact me at the above links to request permission.

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